Insults and comebacks
by FoxtrotTango543
Summary: In a world where the dragons are all human and are their rider's adopted siblings, what would Toothless say to people who annoyed him? Modern AU. Edit: Now includes Hiccup edition! Edit 2: was once named Insults and comebacks - Toothless and Hiccup edition.
1. Toothless

Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon, and I never will. All rights go to DreamWorks, who made the movies and the series, and Cressida Cowell, the author of the books. In case you didn't read the summary properly, this is a modern AU fanfic. Enjoy!

A/N: In a modern AU fanfiction where Toothless is Hiccup's adopted brother, what would he say to people who annoyed him or Hiccup? I intend to find out so you don't have to.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** _(points ruler at Toothless)_ At the end of this ruler is an immature idiot who will never get a girlfriend in his sorry little life!

 **Toothless:** Wow, thanks for telling me about this loser! By the way, which end of the ruler is he on?

 **Hookfang:** _(on the phone)_ Hello, can I get an ambulance for my brother? He's been burned really badly.

* * *

 **Bully 1:** Hey, Toothless, you're adopted and I'm not! You know what that means?

 **Toothless:** Somebody wanted me and not you?

* * *

 **Bully 2:** Hey, idiot! Show me something ugly!

 **Toothless:** _(hands them a mirror)_ Take a look at this!

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Stop being such a chicken and eat the food.

 **Toothless:** If you were any more of a chicken, Stormfly would have eaten you.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Toothless, I've been examining you and Hiccup for a while and I think nerdiness runs in your family.

 **Toothless:** What a coincidence. I've been examining you and Hookfang and I think being a jerk runs in your family.

 **Fishlegs:** Toothless, couldn't you have been a little nicer than that?

 **Toothless:** Fishlegs, if I went around sugarcoating everything I saw, Willy Wonka would be out of a job by next week.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** _(to Hiccup)_ Hey, fishbone! My family gave me muscles; shame your family didn't.

 **Toothless:** _(to Snotlout)_ His family gave him a growth spurt; shame your family didn't.

* * *

 **Hiccup:** Toothless, have you seen my favourite cookies?

 **Toothless:** _(points at Stoick)_ I think I found them!

* * *

 **Stormfly:** Toothless, you are going to have your butt handed to you someday! I'd bet my reputation on that!

 **Toothless:** Sorry, Stormfly, there's a £5 minimum.

* * *

 **Stormfly:** Toothless, will you shut up?

 **Toothless:** That depends. If I throw a family-sized bucket of chicken, will you go and get it?

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Toothless, what do you do for fun?

 **Toothless:** Hide all your stuff on the top shelf.

* * *

 **Fat kid:** Look, weirdo, why are you even here? Nobody wants you around.

 **Toothless:** I couldn't help it! I was sucked in by your gravitational pull.

* * *

 **Rich brat:** Hey, do you want to guess why I have a better phone than you?

 **Toothless:** I would have enough money for a phone, but I spent mine on a premium smartass kit.

* * *

 **Bully 3:** Why do you call Hiccup your brother when you know you're not related?

 **Toothless:** Why do you call Astrid your girlfriend when you know you're not dating?

 **Astrid: FINALLY!**


	2. Hiccup

Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon, and I never will. All rights go to DreamWorks, who made the movies and the series, and Cressida Cowell, the author of the books. In case you didn't read the summary properly, this is a modern AU fanfic. Enjoy!

A/N: This chapter was inspired by knight man52, who thought this would be a good idea. Thanks to him/her, you can now read this.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Hiccup, how about you shut up and let me know when you've grown a leg?

 **Hiccup:** How about you shut up and let me know when you've grown an inch?

* * *

 **Bully 1:** Hey, Hiccup, your arms are like matchsticks!

 **Hiccup:** Great! Now all I need to do is snap them off and I'll have something to burn you with!

* * *

 **Bully 2:** Hey, idiot! I bet I could show something ugly!

 **Hiccup: **I don't want to see your baby pictures, but thanks for offering.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** You are a girl's worst nightmare.

 **Hiccup:** Takes one to know one.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** If it wasn't for your dad, I'd think being scrawny ran in the family.

 **Hiccup:** If it wasn't for your dad, I'd think walking out of the toilet with toilet paper on your shoe and your fly down ran in your family.

 **Snotlout:** What?

 **Hiccup:** Look down.

* * *

 **Sexist idiot:** I don't want to cook, clean, do laundry, or have responsibilities outside of being the breadwinner. I'll leave that to my wife.

 **Hiccup:** SHE'S YOUR WIFE, NOT YOUR MAMA!

* * *

 **Stoick:** Hiccup, are you going to order pizza?

 **Hiccup:** No, Dad, I'm going to steal lasagna from the neighbours.

* * *

 **Strict teacher:** I will not let anyone walk out of my class!

 **Hiccup:** Well, since I can't walk out, I'll just do this. _(Hops out of the room.)_

* * *

 **Ruffnut and Tuffnut:** Hey, can we borrow your prosthetic leg?

 **Hiccup:** I only want to talk to the smart twin!

 **Ruffnut and Tuffnut:** That would be me. _(Start rolling around on the floor, fighting.)_

* * *

 **Snotlout:** I don't care where you hide your food, I will still be able to get to it and eat it in front of you!

 **Hiccup:** Oh, is that so? _(He then proceeds to hold it above Snotlout's head.)_

* * *

 **Loudmouth:** When will you leave Astrid alone? We all know that she's out of your league.

 **Hiccup:** I'll leave her alone the day you give the world a day of silence.

* * *

 **Snobby SJW (Social Justice Warrior):** If you can walk, why are you allowed to take the lift?

 **Hiccup:** _(takes off prosthetic leg and holds it to his ear)_ I'M SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! CAN YOU TALK INTO THIS?

* * *

 **Jealous girl:** Does it hurt to know that I'm hotter than Astrid?

 **Hiccup:** The only way you could be hotter than Astrid is if she roasted you.

 **Astrid: FINALLY!**


	3. Toothless and Hiccup

Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon, and I never will. All rights go to DreamWorks, who made the movies and the series, and Cressida Cowell, the author of the books. In case you didn't read the summary properly, this is a modern AU fanfic. Enjoy!

Disclaimer 2: I don't own any songs mentioned in this chapter, either. All rights go to the respective owners.

* * *

 **Toothless:** Hiccup, when are you going to get up? You'll be late for school.

 **Hiccup:** I hate school! Give me another five minutes.

 **Toothless:** Oh, really? _(Snatches Hiccup's phone.)_ Get up or I text Astrid all the embarrassing things you don't want her to know. Like what you called your favourite teddy bear and how you were scared of the dark until you were seven.

 **Hiccup:** _(Runs out of the room.)_ Already taking a shower! Don't you dare touch my phone!

 **Toothless:** Gotcha.

* * *

 **Hiccup:** How long are you going to believe that I will do anything for a cookie?

 **Toothless:** _(Takes out packet of triple-chocolate cookies from his pocket)_ Follow the cookie, follow the cookie . . .

 **Hiccup:** That is not fair! Hand them over!

 **Toothless:** Do my maths homework and I'll think about it.

* * *

 **Bully:** Hey, Toothless! You have to stop calling Hiccup your brother because you're not really related!

 **Toothless:** I don't think that's anything to do with you and you should keep your nose out of other people's business.

 **Bully:** I'm just trying to look out for you! Ever since your parents adopted Hiccup, he's been nothing but an embarrassment to you! Your reputation's at stake here!

 **Toothless:** Let me correct you. Hiccup is not an embarrassment, and will never be an embarrassment. Do not ever call him that again. Another thing you might want to know is that he's not adopted; I AM!

 **Bully:** I have an errand to run! _(Runs away.)_

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Why do people keep singing the song _This Is Me_? It's annoying.

 **Hiccup:** _(Plays the song at full blast to annoy him.)_

* * *

 **Snotlout:** It's not as bad as you think, Ruffnut! It'll only take a few minutes and you don't even have to like it!

 **Hiccup and Toothless:** There's a speech he knows by heart.

* * *

 **Stoick:** Hiccup, when will you go to bed?

 **Toothless:** Dad, if you want him to go to bed, leave a trail of cookies for him to follow. Works every time.

 **Hiccup:** Toothless, shut up!

 **Stoick:** HAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

 **PE teacher:** _(to Toothless)_ Come on, Haddock! You have to be doing something in my lesson!

 **Toothless:** Fine. _(Starts lifting Hiccup like a barbell.)_ One, two, three . . .

* * *

 **Toothless:** Hiccup, I'm bored.

 **Hiccup:** Why don't you take out a good book and see if you can find Wally?

* * *

 **Spitelout:** Hiccup, you're growing! What happened to you?

 **Hiccup:** I ate breakfast for once.

* * *

 **Stoick:** Hiccup, stop using Toothless to carry your stuff.

 **Hiccup:** _(stops eating his muffin)_ I'm sorry; my hands are full.

 **Toothless:** I had to! His arm was hurting him and he bribed me with food!

 **Stoick:** Oh, Thor.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** _(walks in covered in fake tan)_ Surprise!

 **Hiccup:** _(runs away screaming)_ **EVERYBODY OUT! DONALD TRUMP'S HERE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE DEPORTED! TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM!**

 **Toothless:** **BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

 **Hiccup:** Toothless, you either eat your breakfast or I feed you like you were a baby!

 **Toothless:** I'm not a baby and I'm not eating mushy cardboard!

 **Hiccup:** Fine, have it your way. _(Takes a spoonful of Toothless' cereal.)_ Here comes the aeroplane . . .

 **Toothless:** Hiccup, not fu-MMPH! _(Has cereal shoved in his mouth.)_

 **Hiccup:** _(Holding Toothless' nose so he has to swallow it.)_ There you go, you've eaten it. You want another spoonful now, little brother?

 **Toothless:** I'll feed myself, thanks. _(Eats his cereal while grimacing at the taste.)_

 **Stoick:** I have one weird family.

* * *

 **Hiccup:** _(talking on the phone)_ Astrid, if you're coming over, I'll have to change! _(He runs to his room.)_

 **Toothless:** So you're not waiting for a full moon after all?

* * *

 _ **Hiccup and Toothless are weird, I know. But like all brothers, they have each other's backs! FT543 signing out!**_


	4. Stormfly and Astrid

Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon, and I never will. All rights go to DreamWorks, who made the movies and the series, and Cressida Cowell, the author of the books. in case you didn't read the summary properly, this is a modern AU fanfic. Enjoy!

A/N: This chapter was inspired by Multiple-Fandom-Writer, who thought that this would be a good idea. Thanks to him/her/them, you are now reading this.

* * *

 **Stormfly:** Astrid, if Hiccup's coming over, does that mean I'm going to be kicked out of the house?

 **Astrid:** Stop worrying about it so much, Stormfly. Mum and Dad already told you, that is not going to happen until you are eighteen.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Hey babe, how does your sister like her eggs in the morning?

 **Stormfly:** _(not understanding what's going on)_ Um, scrambled, I think.

 **Astrid:** UNFERTILIZED, YOU CREEP!

* * *

 _For context, the girls are out shopping for clothes and see a dress for sale._

 **Astrid:** Ew, what a tacky dress! I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that thing!

 **Stormfly:** You'd have to be dead for six months to fit into it.

 _(Astrid then chases Stormfly around the clothing store until they are both kicked out by security.)_

* * *

 **Astrid:** Ugh, why is it that all the food I can't have because of this stupid diet seem so much more tempting.

 **Stormfly:** I know a trick that can help you. Move your head to the left, then the right.

 **Astrid:** How does that help?

 **Stormfly:** You do it every time people try to give you bad foods.

 **Astrid:** Why did I ask you for advice again?

 **Stormfly:** Beats the heck out of me, dumbass.

* * *

 _Astrid, Stormfly, Ruffnut and Meatlug are walking together._

 **Snotlout:** Hey look, it's the girl squad!

 **Astrid and Stormfly:** At least we're a squad, and not some loser drifting around all alone.

 **Other girls:** BURN!

 **Snotlout:** _(creeps away on the verge of tears)_

* * *

 **Astrid:** Oh my god, I'm running late!

 **Stormfly:** _(holds out a broomstick)_ Here, hop on; you just might make it after all.

 **Astrid:** _(takes the broomstick and hits Stormfly with it)_

 **Stormfly:** OW!

* * *

 **Hiccup:** This soup needs spice.

 **Astrid:** So does our relationship.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Hiccup, you look as thin as ever! Does Astrid not feed you enough?

 **Astrid:** Unfortunately, we don't hire babysitters, so Hiccup will have to feed himself.

 **Hiccup:** BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BURN!

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Hey, Astrid! Would you like some fries with that shake of yours?

 **Astrid:** No thanks, Snotlout. I'm on an idiot free diet, and I can't afford to quit now. I've lost four morons already.

* * *

 **Scammer:** Hello, is this the Hofferson household?

 **Astrid:** No, this is Astrid.

 _(The scammer hangs up.)_

* * *

 **Hiccup:** Astrid, aren't you tired?

 **Astrid:** Of what? Dealing with you?

 **Hiccup:** Because you've been running through my mind all day.

 **Astrid:** Well-played.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** I typed the word 'joke' into Google, and I got pictures of your boyfriend.

 **Astrid:** Since you seem to like jokes so much, I'll tell you one. Knock, knock.

 **Snotlout:** Who's there?

 **Astrid:** Shut.

 **Snotlout:** Shut who?

 **Astrid:** Shut up before I make you, you little prick.

* * *

 **Snotlout:** Why can't you women appreciate my natural beauty?

 **Astrid:** You look like something Hiccup drew . . .

 **Snotlout:** Good! Everyone knows that Hiccup is the best at drawing.

 **Astrid:** . . . with his eyes closed.

 **Snotlout:** Dammit!

* * *

 **Strict teacher:** Nobody leaves my classroom without a hall pass!

 **Stormfly:** Fine. Here's my hall pass. _(Pulls out a tampon.)_ Can I go now, sir?

 **Strict teacher:** _(embarrassed and blushing)_ Yes, you can go.

 _Arriving back from the toilets:_

 **Strict teacher:** Where did your hall pass go?

 **Stormfly:** Where did you think it went?

 **Strict teacher:** DETENTION!


End file.
